I have officially snapped at my family. All of them. All at once.
I come from the gym with pretty good news from work. I'm ok. Well not ok, ok. I haven't been for a while. My brain. It doesn't leave me alone.
I think and I think and I think so more. I don't tell people. Ever. Because who do I tell without them looking at you with that face. The one that says yeah, that sucks and i don't know how to help you. Because they won't be able to.
The 29yold disorder is the worst. The one where you can't even enjoy it without thinking 'Oh god, I'm going to be 30. And I got nothing. Nothing'. But then your conscience comes in and she tells you well not nothing, nothing. You got your job that's—not so great, sure—but it's a career. You actually finished school even though you cried through out the whole thing. Fine, You were socially retarded and couldn't make friends because you realized you don't think, do, or ARE like them. You weren't raised that way. BUT you finished.
And then I remember when I walked through the stage on graduation. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way. But I do anyway. I say I got nothing. Because nothing equals to love.
Yes, love. This probably all has to do with love. Loneliness. The outcast.
I was watching a Greys Anatomy episode once. I stopped watching it for a long time but I sat there that night and watched because my sisters were watching and it was actually a good episode. There was a killer on the loose in the hospital. He wanted to kill McDreamy. I can't remember why but he pointed his gun at an attendee. She was young and crying. She immediately started telling him her life story. Where she grew up, how many dogs she ever had, where she went to school. But the one thing she did say—and slipped it in there—was, and I quote, "I've never been in love" and ended her story with, "I can't die yet."
My sisters and I just looked away from the screen and then to ourselves. She was sooo right. That IS a big concern in life isn't it? It's like a HUGE chunk of ones life that no matter what or how much you have, you have "nothing" if you don't have that. And just saying it makes me feel bad because it shouldn't be that way or said that way. It can't look like I JUST said life is nothing without love. There are other things other than love that we need.
So this is when my brain tells me 'I'm being dramatic.' But am I?
I don't know.
All I know is, the 29yold disorder is telling me allll this EVERYDAY. So it's in the back of my mind when I think 30. I have nothing.
I snapped at everyone when my sister was making me try on shoes I don't want because they don't fit her. When I just came from the gym and sooo tired and feeling fat and huge and feeling helpless because it isn't doing anything, yet it HURTS so much to go. When My dad told me my new laptop was shipped to bumfuck newzealand where i have to drive to, to pick it up. When I realize I can't drive there because I don't' know how. When my mom starts poking my shoulder repeatedly and hard as an indication to point out that I had an attitude that needs to stop. This all happening at the same time.
I flipped out.
Partly because I HATE, scratch that, DETEST when I'm poked on my arm with that indication and anger behind it's intention. And partly because I KNEW I had an attitude for no reason and just WANTED to carry that attitude because it was feeding off my 29yold disorder at the moment. Attitudes makes it better.
I walked away after screaming at mom and slapping her hand away because she wouldn't stop... on purpose, just to fuck with me and piss me off. I cried in the hallway.
So I'm crying in the hallway and I don't really know why. But I want to cry. I REALLY want to.
The crying went from crying over the semi panic attack from the family harassment (that was really no big deal on a good day, funny even. I've dealt with worse and it's still no biggy), to feeling guilty for embarrassing my mom for yelling at her—to the "I have nothing" 29yold disorder.
My mind started running again. And then I'm remembering things.
Things like: Lispy stopping by at my desk yesterday after everyone was gone for the day. I'm fine. I'm at my desk minding my own business not thinking about him (because I haven't been thinking about him. It's over and it's no big deal. Stupid past crush). But then he looks good. His eyes look soo amazing against the stupid evening light coming from the window. Sooo blue you wouldn't believe. And then he's talking about buying a car but not knowing if he should get a big one because he's planning to have kids soon.
Huge eye roll.
I just wish he wouldn't talk to me. I really do. I walked away saying this in my brain.
And it's not him per say. It's all the couples who have someone. Who actually have a choice and concerns over mini vans versus cool cars because of future babies. It's guys who look like him and not one of them is mine—because they're all taken. They all have someone. It's the fact that it's SUCH a struggle with love for me and my sisters, yet it's soo easy for some people. For him. So easy. Like a piece of cake. (And I WON'T even elaborate about my sisters 'love' problems. THAT'S another post.)
That's what it is. Not him. It's everyone.
So I'm crying and this is what I remember. And then it just continues until I'm crying and my family is terrified because they know the poking and harassing REALLY wasn't that bad. But the crying became about something else. And how do I explain it when I have snot coming out and eyeliner streaking my shirt? I can't. Because it's too late.
So I just wanna cry. And they don't get it. Yet, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to get into alll that stupid shit in a crying/healing session with the sisters. I'm tired of that!
So, I'm crying. And I snapped. And now I'm insane in their eyes. They're scared of me. Because i'm the type that takes and keeps in till I explode.
Unfortunately when I do decide to explode... It happens to be over something sooo stupid—yet means soooo much.
29yold disorder sucks. And I still have 'nothing'. *rolls eyes*
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The 29yold disorder
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6 comments:
You blow up becuase it's the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. You blow up becuase how many tiny cuts can you take before you bleed out. You cry becuase your heart breaks over what it misses. You probably hold yourself to other people's standards and doing that, you will always fall short. You feel bad and it sucks, but there is nothing wrong with you. All you can do is keep breathing.
Well honey, would you be impressed if I said that I am waiting for this to happen to me, exactely like this? Yeah....
I mean there is so much we can take, like for real. But there comes a breaking point when it all explodes and that's it.
I feel exactely like you, so I know what you mean.
And I know I've been in love, but I miss it in my life for quite a while now....sighhhhhhh and it hurts. And we think about it everyday, like you said.
Again, I agree when you say "it's so easy for some people, and yet so hard for others"....this is what my brain debates on it's own head (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this sounded funneh). I mean, WHY THE FUCK? The idea that someday it will happen keeps me going, but this will go old too, and next year I'm 30 too...sighhhh. love...sighhh.
I'm sorry for what happened at home. And thing is, you have to deal with all the love drama going on and still keep your head on your shoulders *rolls eyes*
Honey, just take it easy, hang in there. Keep your faith and never lose it, it's the only way out for this.
Someday I'll go to your wedding and you'll come to mine and our husbands will be cbox-friends too, LMAO *trying to lift the tension here*
*~*~*~*~* H.U.G.S. *~*~*~*~*~*
It's that time in life... OK, I'll cut the crap because honestly I don't know what you are going through.
I'm trying to place myself in your shoes here, tell me if I'm failing.
You live with your parents and sisters, you are 29, you have a nice job (you like your job I'm guessing), you have income so you can say you are financially stable and independent, you have your Mini(Bertha?). See, you have love and things, and you are not alone, woman!
You say you were socially retarded, as a social retard myself I have to ask you, what did/do you do to fix that?
Do you go to church, or out clubbing, or maybe just for lunch or coffee or a walk or shopping with someone from your neighborhood, or from high school, or college, or work, or church?
Dare to meet new people, or revive old friendships. I know it's hard to do, but it's been working for me lately.
At my lowest I reached out for help: first psychologist, then a psychiatrist; it helped.
Maybe you don't need drugs, like I do, maybe just someone to talk to, cry in front of and wail and have snot slinking out of your nose in front of and NOT feel guilty or embarrassed?
It's normal to have the need to be touched and kissed and held. I understand you are frustrated because you don't have that right now. Just talk to someone.
You live with your family, it's okay to want to put some distance between them and you from time to time, you are a grown up, grown ups need more personal space than kids. God knows I don't want to be around my family often, but I'm stuck, so...
You will meet someone, but you have to put yourself out there, open your heart to different people(I don't mean whore around, I mean dare yourself to date guys with whom you may not feel instant chemistry, maybe you won't feel attraction at first but after a while you realize how well you work together with one and then BAM!)
Don't stick to one type of guys. The one ready to love you will be your best friend, not some uber cute sexass(that's true for me and all of my gfs, maybe you'll be luckier though, eh?)
Put some distance between your family and yourself from time to time, you'll want to be with them!
Open your heart to different people, men or women (I mean women as friends, women have brothers ;)) and create friendships, those friendships may lead you to the right guy (BROTHERS AGAIN lol).
If you need to retell your life history to someone and just reassemble some things so you feel better, do it! Psychologists are paid to watch your snot and tear stained face!!!
Lispy? Yeah... I hear most marriages end in divorce. i'm not being a bitch here, though. I guess he's in love, and his wife loves him and all. I'm just saying no body has a perfect life and perfect relationships, I'm sure neither does he. Maybe his wife likes anal and he doesn't? Maybe she throws things at him when she's angry?
OK, enough word vomit from me. Just hang in there, and whatever you may feel because of the 29yold disorder, I'm sure you are not alone. I'll probably be there too in 4 years.
ya'll have the wisest words. i don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you infinity.... and beyond.
Oh man... I've been away for so long and I really did miss you all.
N, I know sometimes we go through shit and feel like just sit in a corner and cry our heart out but find your inner strengh in you, I know you have it. You are very bright and humorous and life still have big loving moments for you. Sometimes it takes a litle while for life bring us those things, just stay open and aware for it will come.
In the mean time, you are not alone, we are all here to support you(even me when i'm gone ;)
All my love for and positice thinking for you.
It is very hard to deal with those numbers and what is expected of you by each of those big numbers. But they are, after all, just numbers.
And the stress to fit all the big things in at the right time, for God knows, a child at 13 is wrong, while one 31 is fine.
And sometimes we know all the blessing we have and at certain moments you'd give it all away for something you'd never seen, or had, and might not even want. Just because.
You're human.
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