Writting from a clean room

Hello.

I haven't written in eons, have i?

Well, it's probably because this year has been like no other. There are different things happening in our house. The house where 5 adults reside in. Very cranky, moody, funny, dramatic, lovable, busy adults.

I've cried, yelled, laughed and rolled my eyes more times than I can count in grains of sand.

[[[hold on, too much echo in my room. Let me put some music on. I'll explain why.
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There. that's better. Kate Havnevik in the background for yah.]]]]

And you girls have heard all of it. Either here or at the TWBox. Thank you for dealing with me. ;-) But despite the struggles, to this day, it has improved. We were loosing our touch and faith in God. All sanity was slipping away. It isn't perfect now but i don't think it will ever be.

Even for your life, huh? Ups and downs.

Point is, I came home yesterday from work and my mom was disinfecting my room *rolls eyes* [[There it goes again]] She ripped it apart. Moved all the furniture cleaned the back, ceilings and walls. I gotta say, she was right. It was effing filthy. I don't know how i lived in it like that. There has been a looming discomfort hovering over my head and I was not content. I didn't have enthusiasm to do anything when i stepped in it every night. The sadness seeped in through the atmosphere of what was happening to us.

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[[[Where was I? My mom interrupted and made me try on ugly hand me downs. *rolls eyes* I put my foot down. ]]]
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So she cleaned my room. Wow, I should be nicer to her come to think of it.

Nah, I payed for her prescription glasses! We're even. ;-)

So anyway, I stepped in and heard an echo in my room. Things were taken down and thrown out. Bookshelf was organized. Happiness flowed through me. I got to work and helped. It's so different even my dad was impressed. I knew so the moment he came in, spread his arms wide and shouted, "CLLLLLLEEEAAAAANNNN!" at the top of his lungs. It echoed right back at him. I just stared as he walked out and I went back to work.

I realized I needed this. A clean space equals clear mind. Just as everything has been improving at home—less fighting, more understanding, fewer frowns—my mind has been clearing up as well.

I'm praying more. Clear mind equals clarity in priority and needs. I've been needing it. I realized that the first time in my life when things are going astray, I didn't lean on prayer for help. I didn't care. I was numb. Usually when someone struggles or something tragic occurs, people who have never made a pray in their life, pray. They find the words and say it out loud. It comes from within. Deep where your soul cries out. Funny isn't it? Non-believers, suddenly believe.

But now that things are going well, I'm beginning to pray. I've sorta done it the opposite way. Even my 29 year old disorder is controlled and maybe even vanished all together.

My sisters have found a partner for the rest of their lives. Do you know how long we've been waiting for that? YEARSSSS. I'm am so happy for them. And despite little things that are difficult right now, whether it's struggling with commitment in one guy's part, or having a child out of wedlock and learning to deal with it from another guy's part.... we. are. persevering. I say 'We' because I'm learning from my sisters' struggles. The younger sibling always has that advantage of not having to risk, try, and fail in experiences. We see our siblings risking, trying and failing. So, when it comes to experiences, we make sure to NOT risk, try and fail. We 'try' and know how not to fail. It makes me feel bad for the older siblings, because they never had that advantage.

Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean I don't want to just make mistakes sometimes just to FEEL the experience. But i can't. Because I know how much they hurt when i looked in my sisters' eyes. It's like they were happening to me.

New conversations come up at the dinner table (yes, we still eat together...and talk). Conversations that I never thought would come up. Ever. About love and relationships and dealing. I was wide eyed and amazed when my father started to give advice. ADVICE. My mouth was gaping over my chicken. Dating is different when you're in your 30's. Very different. He said to not expect a perfect man. Dad said, "Set aside all your dreams, expectations and fantasies... he. will. not. be. perfect. Period. He will have a resume as long as a senator's. He will have children. He would have already been married before. He is not young anymore. He will come with baggage."

*stares*

Well, there goes Edward Cullen. Right down the toilet. *watches him go*

*sigh*

He was right. So, I did what a preacher suggested on the radio as he spoke about relationships—I prayed for my partner. He said if you don't have a 'someone', well then, PRAY FOR ONE. Duh. Start thanking God for him, wherever he is. Because he is inevitable.

So I did. And WOW, did that put that into perspective. I suddenly FELT he was there...somewhere, probably struggling just like me. Whoever 'he' is, became real. Not a fantasy, expectation or a faceless man in a dream. I cried. Annnnd it scared the hell out of me LOL. After all this whining about being alone, I suddenly freaked because it became real. Real equals trial and error... and process. It's a lot of work. Not an FF... at all. *huffs*

Point is, I wasn't supposed to talk about relationships on this post. I wasn't. It's old news and boils down to obsession over the topic. And I am not obsessed. Ok, maybe a little. But seriously I'm ok now. It only comes up in spurts (word?) of moments. I was just trying to make a point about my sisters and what they've been going through this year.

Again, point is to this post is that my stomach was upset because we had just came back from a restaurant. Urgh. So, as I sat on the crapper and realized I was praying—pants down, wad of paper in my hand—I fucking laughed my ass off! Outloud. Knee slapping laugh.

I sat there bouncing with laughter and I thought, classic. Real classic.

I realized I was praying again... in an unusual place where one wouldn't really consider it a worthy place for prayer—maybe before bedtime or in church. I was praying and asking for all these things I talked about above. And I was happy. And I knew God was listening. Weird. But I just knew. It's all about the feeling. ( ;-)@Vanny)

So, believe it our not, wherever you are, know that God listens. Do you have a struggle? Pray. Speak. Talk. Vent. Like you would to a friend. Even if it's in your thoughts and not out loud. Prayers really do work. I'm a witness to that. I wouldn't be doing it all my life if i knew it wouldn't.

Question for you is: In the most difficult moment of your life (take a minute and think about it), did you pray? and where? And if you haven't, I know one day you will. Even if it's a "God, please!" plea.

When that moment comes, remember me on a toilet, praying, and remember I said He heard you. :-)

Thank God He isn't picky. *phew*

PS. This year wasn't a waste.