I'm a procrastinator

There, I said it.





I can hear them talking about me. Just perfect. I should make them a damn schedule for their convenience and hand it to them so they can know when to nag me about what I need to be doing. Tell them one thing one day and they seem to remember and ask if I finished it yet. And if i haven't they proceed to lecture me on getting things done. I thought this was my problem! Now its in everyones conversation at the dinner table wondering why i haven't finished things yet. And the world has come to an end. WTF? its not your business. Forget I even mentioned the damn thing.

Serves me right for NEVER keeping my own problems to myself and just keep them in my head. My god people my age have done miraculous things or nothing and are fine. Probably because they do get things done OR don't even get into ridiculous situations like my stupid idiot self. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am i not normal like others?

Its all a connection. Being like this has led me not to want to go Miami or do things on my own or even think about being spontaneous. Because why? I don't know. I'd be alone maybe or i feel I can't do anything by myself. Which this leads to not talking to people even at work because they're not my crowd or I "think" I wont relate. And maybe this also leads to still being single because of course if i don't talk to people than i definitely can't talk to guys. And if i do, i freak the hell out. My mind starts running and i start to think about the future and how will this work out. How will i go out and deal with getting to know a stranger without my familiar surroundings....all on my own? How ridiculous does that sound? I can't even picture having someone because its not in my routine schedule for christ sake! Its like out of the norm and i can't even fathom it at times. The first thing that comes to my mind is that it would be more work then keeping a friend and that sounds exhausting. So i don't wanna do it. This, i know, comes from another connection that I've had in my mind for a long while now. In my mind, I'm still the chaperone (i can't even spell the damn word), not the one needing one. I never needed one and I've never experienced needing one.

What am i thinking? Am i supposed to stay like this for the rest of my life? I can seriously go through this whole year with no one....again! I can probably pull it off if i just continue to do things the same way. I can't actually picture myself doing it and i just might accomplish it......without breaking a sweat! I bet you that by Jan 7th 2009 things will be the damn same!

And all the while, even as i write this I'm thinking about Who moved my cheese? I'm ashamed but i think i am Hem. Shit. The one mouse i didn't want to be. The one mouse i knew was just fucking ridiculous. Yet here i am, waiting for something and i have no idea what the hell it is. Its something but i just haven't figured it out. I don't feel like doing shit for no one or do any more favors. I just wanna be. Lazy, maybe. Just do nothing but things for myself for a change. And I'm afraid even those wont get done because....well, refer back to the subject.

I just want to be like the person I see in my dreams or in daydreams or in hopes or anything but this mess. If only people knew the truth about me they'll laugh and look at me with this horrifying look. I even keep the secrets from my own friends because its just not something a 27 year old should be going through ore not going through for that matter. I live a life of assumptions and i just have to keep my mouth shut.

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Jesus! I think hes mad. The weirdest thing just happened right now at this very moment. I think God was going to strike me dead with lighting!!! Do you know that saying of "God will strike me dead now?!" I think he really almost did!!! Holy crap! that was scary. It was right out my window and lasted for atleaast 10 seconds.

Another reason why i don't do this blogging crap. My conscience knows there is someone hovering over me watching everything I do. * looking up* I got the sign!!! I get it!!! Just please help me then. Help me change!!! I'm tired of being like this!

I'm tired.