I feel...

...like I've just been through a tornado. I come home and everyone is fighting. Mom is pissed and it's because she's managing bills. When she's doing bills everyone runs away.

I've noticed I'm the only one in the house that listens to her. When everyone is ridiculous and out of it, she finds her way to my bedroom door after everything passed and begins to vent. My oldest sister is clueless and into what she's doing at the moment, school and such. My other sister upsets my mom by saying stupid things because when her life isn't going well she takes it out on everyone around her.

So mom sits on my bed by my desk and vents. Vents about bills and money we don't have, about bills increasing because oil is getting expensive, about taxes increasing and mortgage increasing, worrying about us and how she'll pay for things when we move out and then she ends with telling me how she needs to find work because she can't go on like this.

—Our plan from the beginning was to keep her from working because she became sick a year and a half ago. Did i tell you she had cancer? Yup, the big one. The one that has been ruining peoples lives all over the world. It's amazing how many times I've heard that word recently. I hate the word...with all my heart. Such a struggle that was...fighting months on end with Kemo and appointments and praying and hoping. Thank you Jesus because You got her through it and healed her. I don't know what i'd do without her. There are no signs of it anymore. Thinking back on all the things we've been through, the one thing i remember was once listening to her read a passage from a book about faith and realizing how amazing it was listening to her read this while watching her in a hospital recliner as Kemo pumped through her. Funny the things that never leave your memory. Her undying faith was amazing. I still wish it'll rub off on me...at least an ounce of it.—

So I'm listening to her vent with watery eyes and i ask myself, what the heck should i do? What do i tell her to make her feel better?! I don't even have money myself. I want to blur out I'll give you my money, all of it! but what the hell will I live off of?! And she looks at me with that look that tells me I'm the youngest and was never able to solve her problems. A look like she knows i wont pull out my check book and just hand it over. Not that she'd actually take it. She wouldn't, that's the thing. She wants help but is scared to ask for more, which pisses me off even more because how can she not trust us? She's our mother! She detests the fact that she HAS to ask for more help because what the hell else is she gonna do? If you knew her you'd know she's very stubborn and never asked for help from anyone ever in her life. She and dad pulled through all on their own since they moved here alone with no family at the age of 17. They didn't even know the language. So this is excruciating for her.

All i can think about is the nerve of me wanting to buy a car! For Christ's sake! I can't now, i can't! But then again, have my sister drive me everywhere i need to go for another 2 years!? She already bitches about it. Or what happens when I can't get a job that's far away because the best ones are far away?! And forget about moving out because that seems out of the question...not even in the same vicinity.

Lord, the decisions!

Where is that undying faith when you desperately need it?